Hajj Diary 3/02/03 – 18/02/03
Monday 3rd Feb 2003 09.00
To be honest, I’m actually typing this bit up on Thursday 8th Jan 2004. Believe it or not, it has taken me this long to put fingers to type board. Thinking back, I can’t actually remember too much about my preparation before catching the flight to Damascas. I do remember saying my good byes, it was a very cold morning and the air was very still. Iman had a cold, so I was really sad to leave her behind. I remember giving her to Neelum then turning around with-out looking back and running out of the house. I think Maleeha accompanied me to the airport.
The airport was pretty quiet, there weren’t as many people as I had first thought. I had done my niyat at home and hadn’t realised that I didn’t actually have to do it until we had reached Damascus. I felt a bit numb and I had a lump in my throat. Everything around me felt so still, I could feel something big was about to happen, I felt a calling…
Anyway, I said my tearful goodbyes and hugged my hubby ( mum In law gave me permission too, I was a bit reluctant, but was re-assured that, ‘He is your husband and it is allowed!’… seriously you have to consider these things when you are with the in-laws! =0))
While I was wearing my white burka with white hijab feeling very spiritual and humble my brother Asif was wearing jeans and a leather jacket looking like a hells angel! He had plans to get into his Ehram at Damascus.
Tuesday 4th Feb 2003 1.10am
From now, I am typing up everthing I wrote whist on hajj……..enjoy
I’m still sitting in Jeddah airport waiting for the coach to Al-Haram…We’ve been chanting Labaik Alhumma Labaik since departing from Damascus. I’m feeling numb, feeling pulled towards something – ‘An Unknown Force!!’ – beginning to sink in very slowly, emotions are beginning to set in. I tried to call home but my phone card was not working and I had no coins. The trip on the plane was fine, I’ve been on worse (PIA!!).
On the way to Jeddah we stopped off at Damascus. Once we landed, we all waited patiently to disembark until a tanoye announcement came through, ‘All passengers are to wait in the plane, during re-fueling. Once complete the plane will continue it’s journey to Jeddah, Inshallah’. This caused uproar amongst the passengers as most of us needed to do wudu, zuhr prayers and perform umra ki niyat. The captain had to make an executive decision, liaise with airport officials and let all the upcoming hajji’s off the plane.
We disembarked. Asif and I noticed that there was absolutely no security at this airport whatsoever. We were thinking that this could be a major route for terrorist activity and because of the lack of security no one would know or care who was passing through check-in.
We filed through the narrow doors and began lining up out side the loos. Although I had already performed the umra ki niyat at home, I decided to re-fresh and do it again.
There was a massive queue for the toilets, - my first view of whats to come! There were 3 cubicles to share amongst about 50 or so ladies. When performing your niyat, you are supposed to wash and if possible change into clean clothes. So you can imagine how long it was taking! Sisters were squeezing into the narrow loos, doing their stuff, then trying to change their clothes without letting their abaya’s touch the murky water beneath them. Doing this whilst balancing doing on one leg can be nearly impossible!.
The cubicles were overflowing with water, it was becoming really mucky and tempers were beginning to flare amongst the women. One minute my head was saying , ‘ Sabr Kosser, Sabr Kosser, this is all a test’ the next it was saying, ‘Oh god, this is yuk!’. .- basically this whole trip is about overcoming worldly pleasures, letting go and becoming humble human beings with basic facilities – all one Ummah!! – I duly reminded myself!
After wudu we all prayed zuhr/asr and then made our way back to the plane. The weather had now become more breezy and the temperature was dropping. As we made our way back to the plane, I caught a glimpse of a brother standing by the plane struggling with his ihram (consists of two towels, one wrapped round lower part of the body the other slung over the left shoulder). His ihram had flown of him and was swirling round him in the wind, it was like all of a sudden these towels had a life of their own and did not want to be wrapped round this mortal they wanted to fly about and feel the breeze. This poor brother was flapping about in his orange boxers, or a piece of cloth perhaps, trying to control his desperate situation - it was funny!
One by one we boarded the plane. By the time the plane was ready for take off it was magrib time. Asif and Shahid, my cousin, figured out which way the qibla was, lifted their hands and started praying. I looked on, dubious as to whether to follow them or not as I’d never prayed in this way before i.e whilst in a seated position on moving transport. I decided to follow suit, to my delight from the corner of my eye, I noticed another passenger follow my lead, ‘Cool’, I thought. We began to chant, ‘ Labaik Allahumma Labaik’ – we were finally on our way
After a while, Asif smiled at me urging me to look out of the window to have a quick view of the prophet’s mosque in Madina. I peered out the tiny window not expecting much as by now it was pitch black outside. To my delight the Masjid Nabi was clearly visible as it’s array of lights shone right through the sky, it was a phenomenal view.
7.45 am same day
Arrived finally in Makkah – waited for coaches from 8pm Mon 3rd Feb to around 2am Tues 4th Feb (7 hours) then travelled via coach to Makkah arriving 5hrs 45minutes later, 7.45am – The driver was horrible. He was indirectly abusive to a woman on the bus and behaved very arrogantly. As he drove the coach, I feared for my life at times as he kept zigzagging down the road. But my tiredness got the better of me as I became lost in my own world of thought. I began to think about what lay ahead of me, not to sure what to expect. I also thought of my kids back at home and felt a slight yearning to be back with them.
By the time we reached our hotel, I was exhausted, I hadn’t slept at all and could feel a very bad headache coming on. The rooms in hotel were OK, very basic but clean. 2-3 beds plus one cupboard per room and one bath room/toilet to share between two rooms..I was prepared for much worse so I was pleasantly surprised to see the room’s condition it exceeded my expectations. (In hindsight, that day I must have walked like a zombie up to my bedroom and straight to bed not really caring where I slept!)
I was sharing a room with Shahid and Asif – Asif decided that we should all get some sleep before doing umra – I readily agreed as by this time having travelled for about 19 hours with no sleep, I was shattered and felt a migraine coming on- fast!. So we slept until 9ish and were out of the door by 9.30 am.
I didn’t feel like myself. I had developed a headache and was becoming nauseous. I was feeling very dizzy. As Asif led the way to the mosque I began to feel anxious and a bit nervous – I was trying to concentrate on saying Labbaik, as well as remembering the dua I had to say upon first sight of the Khana Kaaba. We walked through the narrow streets surrounded by general stores and food shops on either side of us. There were people in every direction that I looked, majority of which were dressed in white. We all seemed to be headed in one direction and we all were chanting Labaik. It felt as if we were all mesmerised, walking in one direction in answer to a calling that was so powerful that it was impossible to simply ignore. The power this calling had could be felt within my whole body, my whole body felt a yearning to answer this call that was now coming from one direction.
Asif and I walked passed beggars in the middle of the street. Little disabled children sat in the middle of the street calling for our help, calling for money. It was such a sad sight. I saw kids with amputed legs and some with amputed arms –my heart went out to them all. Asif later told me that there is a rumour that the leader of these children kidnaps them from their humble homes and tortures them inflicting long term physical damage such as amputations. He then sends them out on the streets to earn money from the millions of pilgrims that come all year round. I felt so sorry for them all.
We walked past little stalls mainly manned by women clad in black from head to toe. They were selling bits and pieces of everything, from watches to prayer mats. Behind the little stalls were the bigger shops and restaurants the building architecture surrounding us when we walked was basic. Everything seemed dull looking but as we approached the Masjid al haram I noticed how everything began to brigten up a little bit by bit. The closer you got to the masjid the more open the street became and in the distant you were hit almost all of a sudden by a brilliant white light. This white light was the marble shining throughout the Masjid.
As the mosque came in full view it all seemed so surreal to me, it was if I wasn’t really there, everything seemed so hazy – as if I was seeing reality through a dream. I was excited for what was to come.
As we walked in, Asif told me to keep my eyes down and he will guide me to where the ka’aba stood. I did as he suggested, when he told me to finally look up I was in awe, lost in the beauty that stood before me. The kaabah itself and my surroundings all seemed unreal, like a picture from a book. The Kaabah draped in it’s black cloth and the glorious light shining throughout the masjid made me feel as if I was in a dream cloud. I slowly but surely read out my du’a followed by many more. I had a few tears in my eyes at the sight of the Kaabah’s sheer beauty. I found it hard to believe that the Kaabah, that I had been praying towards for most of my life was not not on a prayer mat but was now right in front of me.
There were thousands of people within the mosque but luckily a few hundred only were doing tawaf at the time. So Asif and I quickly joined them. We walked up to the brown line, said, ‘Bismillah Allaho Akbar’, then started the circuit ensuring to read the relevant du’a’s at the relevant time. It was truelly amazing to see so many different ethnicities all together. The Indonesian and Turkish people really stood out. They were wearing colour coordinated clothes in order to stick together. They were all either performing tawaf or reading quran or praying nafl salat or some where just in thought.
Whilst circulating the Kaabah, I was shocked at the pushing and shoving that was going on. At one point, I was elbowed in the stomach by someone whilst they tried to march past me. I was being squashed so tightly that I feared suffocation. This I suppose is why they advise that tawaf would be easier to read on the 1st and 2nd floors of the mosque.
Whilst walking round the kaaba I was beginning to feel displeased with myself. For some reason I wasn’t feeling as emotional as I was prior to arriving in Makkah. There was hardly any excitement within me, I actually longed for it to be all over. I couldn’t understand why I could be full of emotion whilst watching the khana kaaba being televised but when it’s right in front of me I was behaving like, ‘ Hey, so what’s new!’ (astagfurallah). I was appalled with the way I was feeling as I was also beginning to feel really sick and just wanted to go back to the hotel. After tawaf I went downstairs through a tunnel built under the kaabah for some free flowing Zam Zam water. There were taps everywhere and sister’s were either drinking it, doing their wudu with it or drenching cloth with the water. I read two nafl salat for tawaf and then Asif and I walked over to the next ritual – Safa and Marwa.
This was the walk between Safa and Marwa the two mountains Hajara AS ran up and down in vain searching for water or food for her baby, Ismail AS. It is said that Allah (swt) commands us that we are to pay a visit to these mountains and follow Hajara’s footsteps bearing in mind her devotion to her son and strong faith in Islam.
Asif and I had to walk up and down seven times – 0.5km in total. The mountains are no longer there instead in their place a path has been built which is within the mosque boundaries. People walk up the path on one side and down the other. So they all start at Safa and go up to the Moutain Marwa, come down marwa and head towards Safa.
Now, when you are walking amongst thousands of people that walk takes along time! There was lots of pushing and shoving at times but patience got us through. At one time I lost sight of Asif, one minute he was there the second minute he disappeared.
I continued to walk alone always on the look out for him. I began to worry abit, ‘ What if I don’t find him?, I don’t even know the name of the hotel!’. Luckily though, somehow even though I lost sight of him whilst he was walking in front of me, he managed to come up from behind me! Which meant that whilst I was on the first walk, he had already completely the first and was on his second so thus came up from behind me!
I was beginning to get very tired and there was a serious lack of adrenaline. Finally after the 7th walk, Asif had to go and get his head shaved as a final ritual. He left me in a corner and walked away from me when he returned he looked like Kojak supporting a serious beard! He then had to snip a bit of my hair. So I stood up and very discreetly he put his hand up through the hijab and snipped of a bit of my hair. He actually snipped a bit more than usual. He was supposed to wrap my hair round his little finger and snip less then an inch off. Instead he absentmindedly wrapped it round his fore finger and snipped a lot more then necessary! He later joked that I was lucky that I wasn’t performing that many umra’s otherwise I’d have no hair left!.
We then prayed Zuhr. I now had a very bad headache and was feeling extremely nauseous I felt as if I was going to be sick any minute, with the intense heat outside I began to feel dizzy. I just wanted to go home now that the umra was done with. I also hadn’t eaten for sometime, even though Asif promptly went to buy me some food when he came back with it, the sight of food made me feel even worse. Finally at around 2pm we arrived back at the hotel and I slept for a few hours. Unfortunately, we missed Asr namaz as we were all shattered but we awoke in time for magrib. I awoke feeling better had a shower and then was ready to go.
We walked out of the hotel and joined the hundreds of people walking along towards al-haram in time to pray for Magrib. As we approached the mosque Asif wanted to show me the view from the top of the mosque so we made our way up through all the people. People were everywhere, sitting on staircases, in stair wells, in pathways. Once we reached the top it was all so magical, the sheer beauty of the mosque touched my heart. We looked at the kaaba and the swarming sea of white circulating it. We decided to pray there, so once Isha namaz was complete the intention was to go and eat. But unfortunately for me I still hadn’t really recovered from my headache as it came flying back. Again, I told my brother that I would like to go home. I nearly puked up in the mosque – would have been highly embarrassing!
Whilst we were sat there I came to realise that so far I had shared no true emotion for the Kaaba or masjid haram – I asked myself why was I looking at Allah(s) swt house and not able to display my inner feelings or emotions? There was no excitement in me. I was treating the whole thing as , ‘ Just another mosque!’. This upset me because surely I hadn’t waited this long and travelled this far to feel like this? I told my brother how I felt and he went quiet when he heard how I felt and then said, ‘I don’t think it’s hit you yet!’.
I later mentioned this to my cousin, adding that I felt as if I had done something wrong or maybe I wasn’t praying right?! He said, ‘Maybe you are stressed and strained that’s why you haven’t really taken it all in yet’. Whatever it was, I was really upset and just couldn’t understand why.
That night I thought to myself, that it must be shaitaan who is not allowing me to forget my family for a little while, while I concentrate on hajj. That night, before going to bed I asked allah for forgiveness and guidance. I asked Him to give me strength to get through hajj. All I wanted was to feel Allah in my heart and soul – I asked for His help in achieving this.
Wednesday 5th Feb, 4am
Woke up, feeling fresh and ready to go. We slowly made our way to the mosque for Tahajjut Salat. There was no room inside so we just sat outside in the first available space. We waited for the fajr azaan, call to prayer. When the azaan came I was mezmorised by the imam’s voice, Allah’s words, touched my heart, I was overcome with emotion, and dramatically drawn to the surrounding climax. It was like all of a sudden something inside me burst open and my whole body and soul thought of Allah and Allah alone. I couldn’t believe that I was finally in the masjid al haram and that the Khana Kaaba was walking distance. I felt so much love for the mosque, khana kaaba and the thousands of muslims surrounding me. I cried, I cried tears of joy and forgiveness. I wanted Allah to forgive me for all my sins and grant me a place in jannah. I cried because I felt that Allah had answered my prayers – He had helped me to feel His supreme presence, everywhere, especially, masjid Al haram – Khana Kaaba.
After Fajr, Asif and I went to perform tawaf around the Kaaba. Upon sight of the Kaaba I said, ‘ Subhan Allah’. It brought tears of happiness and forgiveness to my eyes. Even though it was the second time I lay eyes on it, this time my emotions were in turmoil. I felt a pang of excitement within me and my whole body went numb. As I circulated the Kaaba, I admired it’s sheer beauty. It looked like a dream that I didn’t want to wake up from. It looked like a 3-d picture postcard. When I completed the tawaf we prayed nafl salat. I thanked Allah for guiding me. Asif was tired so he went home while I stayed in the mosque. I chose a place to sit where there was full view of the kaaba. I prayed and read Quran continuously. At times I just sat staring at the kaaba – completely mezmorised. I didn’t want to look away. I wanted to capture a picture of it all and cherish it within my memory for life. I didn’t want to look away.
After Zuhr Asif decided to go back to the hotel while I stayed on to do another tawaf on the 2nd floor. This was a longer distance but the benefit was more du’a’s. I did this one on behalf of my mother . After Asr I then performed a tawaf on the ground floor at level with the Kaabah. You cannot help noticing the varying colours people wear to help them stick within their groups. The most co-ordinated groups were those of the Indonesian and Turkish groups. They were in groups of around 10-15 and as they circled the Kaabah in horizontal straight line they interlocked arms with eachother and were very determined not to unlock Therefore if you were behind them there was no way that you could walk through them, you’d have to just tag along behind or walk to either end of their row inorder to get in front. Another group had also interlocked arms but this time there was a circle of men on the outside and their women on the inside. It was a wonderful sight to see, the men protecting their women folk in the best way they can. On the other hand there were the maniac wheelchair pusher’s and chair carriers. If you were old, weak or feeble you can opt for a worker to push you round the kaabah on a wheelchair or to carry you round on their shoulders in an open air box. This would be perfect for you but an absolute nightmare for everyone else’s toes and heads!
These guys were pushing wheelchair’s round oblivious to everyone’s toes and ankles and heads. So whilst walking round the kaabah not only did we have to try not to get squashed we also had to look out for the dreaded wheel chair pusher’s and box carrier’s and if we got nabbed in the ankle or head we had to bear the pain with utmost patience in respect of where we were. It was a serious test of our patience.
After surviving another spiritual tawaf I felt a bit hungry and decided to venture over to the Hilton Shopping plaza for some food. I slowly made my way and joined the hundreds of shoppers at the plaza. After purchasing some food I decided to join all the other hungry pilgrims and sit on the floor to eat. Yes, can you imagine?, imagine going shopping in brent cross and then casually sitting on the floor to have your lunch! It felt totally awesome, I was loving every bit of it. I felt as we were all one big happy family. The whole lot of us, I felt so secure and funnily at home. It felt like such a natural thing to do, to sit on the floor amongst other pilgrims in a shopping plaza, greet eachother and just soak in the atmosphere. I felt so humble, it was fantastic!
Soon it was time for magrib prayers and I desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So I made my way to the toilets at the centre only to find every cubicle engaged and a long waiting line. Obviously I wasn’t the only one that left my wudu to the last minute. Wrong thing to do. So there we all were queing for the loos. One cubicle did not have a door so as one lady went in another held a scarf up to shield her from public. I just so happened to be queing outside this cubicle! So as the lady before me went in I duly held a widespread scarf up in front of the door shielding her from view. Now I think this lady was taking advantage of me as while I was patiently waiting and trying not to listen to her doing her bits, she decided to do a number 2….arghhhhh. Finally it was over and it was now my turn…I made sure I was quick.
The adhan was called and everyone began to finally speed up. I completed my wudu and began to try and make my way to the mosque only to find that the salat had already started. SubhanAllah all the shop shutters were pulled down and everywhere people lay out their mats wherever they were standing and began to pray. I didn’t’ have a pray mat and some kind brother saw my distress at not knowing where to go what to do, he kindly lay out a mat for me amongst some sisters and let me pray there. I was now praying in a shopping centre outside a shop.
After prayers I then met with Asif for dinner before going back to the hotel –the end of another rewarding day.
Thurs 6th Feb
(night I spent at masjid)
I decided to spend the night in the masjid. After dinner and Isha, Asif left me again whilst I stayed behind to do another tawaf. This one I dedicated to my sister Nighat and my sister-in-law Sumra. After the tawaf I sat in front of the Kaabah and began to do tasbee. As the mosque was only 60% full so there was room to walk freely around the Kaabah I decided to do another tawaf. Whilst walking slowly round chanting, ‘Allah ho Akbar’, to myself I began to sense a disturbance and tension in the atmosphere. The mosque was all of a sudden filling up quickly . I could hear some distant chanting and began looking in all directions to try and see where it was coming from. As I looked up to scan the 2nd and 3rd floors I noticed army officiers had begun to fill out the 2nd floor, I was begininig to panic. Then I saw them, there were hundreds upon hundreds of pilgrims heading directly towards the Kaabah, they all had their arms in the air as they continued chanting loudly, a sea of black began to engulf the ground floor of the mosque and slowly surround and circulate the Kaabah. I remember thinking at the time of the scene in, ‘The Gladitor’, when Russel Crowe stood at the centre of the arena and looked up at overcrowded arena, the atomosphere was electric. That’s exactly how I felt at the precise moment that amid suffocation and a sheer sense of panic! The mosque was 100% full within 10 minutes, I fled or more specifically lets say, politely pushed and shoved my way out of the centre area and headed to the top floor. As I walked up past the 2nd floor I couldn’t help but notice pilgrims singing, chanting and preaching, the ladies were all clad in black.
I decided to do a tawaf on the top floor, the longest most painful one, I dedicated this one to my mother-in-law, so all the du’as I made were for her well being inshallah.
As I walked round I past by people huddled together in groups and a leader preaching to them, curiosity drew me closer until I stopped and thought, ‘Not sure if this is right’, then I walked on. The sky was black, there was a fresh breeze and I was amongst our Prophet’s ummah, I was loving every second of it.
I found a place on the top floor and settled down. I had full view of the glowing mosque and the magnificient Kaabah below me and of 1000’s of pilgrims on each and every floor. It looked so surreal, I couldn’t believe I was sitting there. I be-friended a Palestinian sister, we shared our opinions and feelings on Islam with each other. I didn’t take her name, a feeling I regret today. May Allah (swt) bless her and her family for always inshallah.
Looking down from the top of the mosque I couldn’t help but feel apart of one big Ummah, that night I didn’t sleep a wink..
Fri 7th
After Fajr I went back to the Plaza to have breakfast. As I had missed my meeting with Asif I bought myself donuts and Coffee and sat on the floor amongst a few Indonesian folk.
After breakfast I had just enough time to get back to my hotel, shower, change and get back to the mosque for Jummah prayers. I had hardly slept so was beginning to feel the strain. Asif and I found a space to sit and settled down ready to listen to the Khutbah. I was sitting next to a woman from Qatar. She was very upset and kept crying, another woman next to her told me she was crying because the man behind her was her husband who was sitting next to his 2nd younger wife. I told this woman not to cry and said that she wasn’t old and she shouldn’t feel that way. She lifted her veil to show me her wrinkles, I felt sorry for her. May Allah (swt) grant her prayer’s also Ameen.
I decided to get up and do tasbee salat whilst I was awaiting the Khutbah. Tasbeeh salat takes a lot longer then normal salat, each stage of the salat takes a solid 5-6 minutes to perform. Unfortunately, this turned out to be the wrong decision as as pilgrims passed me by whilst I was in ruku and sujjod position they kept knocking my head with either their feet or elbows, it was painful. Asif could sense I was in pain and he was trying his utmost to bear his anger with patience but both he and my Qatar friend tried to steer the pilgrims away to no avail. They kept coming and kept unintentionally hitting me. I beared this with tears and patience.
Sat 8th
I met with my friends from London, Rizwan and Saqibah and had a buffet breakfast. Basically there was a variety of food but a small stomach to feed. I kind of felt guilty at such privilege.
After breakfast we all boarded our coach to Mina. As I approached the coach the battery to my mic fell crashing to the floor from my pocket. Everyone looked in my direction as I knelt to pick it up. There was a second’s silence and then all was normal. The group leader later told me that had police been around, I would have been in serious trouble as what I did was very suspicious looking.
Hajj was about to begin. The trip took 45min.
tents/ac – all same, people lost – unpacked, food places, tea place, hospital
Toilets –ok- have shower attached – yuk
Ibadat all day – slept early.
Asif did azan
Sun 9th
Another day – mina, more ibadat – slept early in prep for Monday – Araft
Monday 10th – Arafat
Woke early- read fajr- waited for coach (not long). 45min approx
Arafat – small tiny tents, carpeted, huge open spaces. Very hot. Asif – showed mountain where last serman, mounted camel, Listened to very long khutbah – read zuhr namaz. Imam said moving du’a –reduced whole tent to tears –
As time slowly went by – ibadat, read by standing up and facing kiblah – du’a after du’a English and Arabic.
Towards sunset – went outside and prayed wholeheartedly, tears and all, cried for forgiveness cried to allah to forgive us all for all sins.
Once Arafat was over waited hours for coach – tried to do ibadat in tent on my own. Managed to squeeze onto the wrong coach – but got to Muzdalifah finally in 40 odd minutes.
This night one of the most powerful, like lalatul qadr, each second you spend praying is sacred. UK site Initially really cramped – atmosphere smelt moist – damp.. Evey inch of space taken by someone, hardly any room. Warned to go toilet beforehand. Asif started looking round for more space – found it in camp 28 – Indonesian Site. Felt weird sitting there as we felt like the only Pakistanis and seemed like we were. People were staring at us. We prayed – then began picking up 60 pebbles – tried to do ibadat but I was not feeling good. So needed a bit of sleep. Must have slept at 1am, woke at 3.30. Decided to take a trip to the loo. There were queues but luckily not too long. Lost on the way back – slightly Panicky – 2 or 3 people looked like asif I began walking towards them until I realised that they weren’t asif.
Asif and Shahid were looking for me.
Tuesday 11th February 2003 04.00 thru to 12th Feb 05.30
4am
I finally spotted them and slowly made my way to them. They were pleased to see me as they seemed to have been waiting for me for sometime. They had already packed away my belongings and folded away the sleeping mats. I couldn’t believe that we were on the move already!!!
Ok, the plan was to walk from Muzdalifah to the border of Mina where we were to pray Fajr. The whole point of this was to avoid the mad rush of people and get to Jamaraat followed by Makkah as soon as possible. It wasn’t easy. We started walking, at first it was OK, I had become used to not sleeping much so I wasn’t that tired but then again I wasn’t entirely focused either hence I badly needed a cup of tea!! As we were walking we began to realise that most people obviously had the same idea as us and had begun to walk back to the camps as we were. There were hundreds of people all marching back to Mina, chanting ‘Allah ho Akbar’ and other verses. Fajr azan heard, we stopped and Asif tried to find someone to pray alongside as it is good to pray together. He tried to stop someone from praying inorder to give us time to join them, but they wouldn’t stop and we were glad they didn’t as they turned out to be non-sunni muslims and thus prayed very differently to us. Finally found a group of four men,we all prayed with them. Luckily, I had done my wudu back in Muzdalifah but Asif and Shahid had to do it in the streets which wasn’t to bad, they just shared the bottle of water that I had.
After Namaz we walked on to Mina, once we arrived there we realised that our tent wasn’t to far so we continued walking. It took us nearly 2 hours to walk back to Mina. I was getting tired, but was determined to go on. Once we arrived in Mina and manged to find our way back to the tent, I had quarter of an hour to freshen up and drink some tea with, yes, BISCUITS. Upon our arrival there was three other sisters who were sleeping. I questioned one of them who told me that they had already thrown the stones in Jamaraat!! I was shocked as I was under the impression that we would be the first ones in our group. The rest of my group hadn’t arrived. We were about to leave when Uzma, a sister I had be-friended, arrived along with Aunty. There mehrams decided to go with Asif and I to Jamaraat, where we would throw our pebbles at the pillars.
We all left together, there was 3 ladies and 5 men in total. We stepped out of our tents and began to walk toward Jamarat, we couldn’t help noticing the amount of people that had now descended upon Mina and like us were on their way to Jamaraat. As I joined the hundreds of people in front of me, I could only look back helplessly at the thousands of people walking up behind me!!. The weather was OK, but we were preparing ourselves for some really hot weather to come.
Inorder to get to Jamaraat from our tents we had to walk under two massive tunnels. As we approached the first, we noticed people on the hillside, picking up stones, maybe they had fallen short of pebbles. The tunnel was huge, Asif kept repeating, ‘If you drop something, don’t bother picking it up just keep on walking and don’t even think about going back for something you may have dropped!!!’.
Whilst walking through the tunnel it’s impossible not to notice the massive air conditioners on the ceiling; massive fans with a protective grill. The suction force of these fans was so great that it had sucked up bottles of water, cans of fizzy drinks, slippers and many other things. We exited the first tunnel and before entering the second Asif advised our accompanying brothers and sisters to have a look where they were and memorise their surroundings. This was because we planned to go straight on to Makkah after Jamaraat so the people with us would have to make their own way home. They looked around and memorised sign posts and landscape. Asif explained that because there are so many different tunnels, if you take the wrong one back, that’s it you are lost and there is no way you can come back because it’s all one way. If you were too try and come back you would hardly make it as you will be pushing and shoving against an on flow traffick of thousands/ millions of pilgrims.
As we entered the 2nd Tunnel, Asif told us how this was the tunnel where thousands of people had died a few years earlier. During that time, like today, there were thousands upon thousands of people crammed into the tunnel, all of a sudden the air conditioning stopped working which lead to many people to suffocate. So you can imagine how we felt, ‘Oh my god, get us out of here, quick!!!’ We finally exited the tunnel, this tunnel took us at least 20 minutes to walk. As soon as we exited the tunnel we joined with thousands of people making there way to Jamaraat.
I was now holding on to Asif, he had tied his head scarf around him so that I could hold on to him with ease. Asif kept winding in and out of people, causing us to also wind in and out of people in order to stay with him. As we approached Jamarat I saw a sign post which had pictures of the three different Shaitanns and directions. Asif decided to go under the bridge to hit the shaitaan. As we approached the Shaitaan, I could really feel the tenseness between our group, I was beginning to get nervous, infact very nervous, pilgrims voices could be heard a lot clearler and they were shouting, ‘ Bismillah, Allah ho Akbar’. Asif was talking really quickly, saying, ‘Ok, get the stones ready, throw 7 only and have 9 pebbles ready just incase. I still didn’t understand why we needed to collect 60 pebbles in the first place. He then said, ‘Can you see it, oh my god, can you see it?’. I looked towards where he was looking, I didn’t know what to look for, I was to be honest looking for something shaped like a devil with horns. But when I looked carefully, I saw it, my immediate attention was drawn to objects flying in the air, their source was hands. Infront of me all I could see was hundreds of hands throwing what should be pebbles in the air directed straight towards a pillar, the shaitaan. This terrified me. I had to go in amongst those people and throw not one but 7 stones, one by one. We were not allowed to throw all the stones at once and then bomb it out of there as I had initially planned! I held on to Asif for dear life, as I turned around and faced Uzma, I could tell she was just as terriried as I was. I was thinking, am I going to come out of their alive??
Asif told the rest of the group to stay together and make sure that they stick together so as not to lose anyone. Then we proceeded towards the Shaitaan with our pebbles ready. The nearer we got to the pillar the more nervous I became as the chanting of allah ho akbar grew louder and I slowly became engulfed by overly excited pilgrims, male and female stretching and catapulting there pebbles across the heads in front of them and on to the pillar facing them. Some pilgrims targeted well, others fell short and you could tell pilgrims infront were going to get hurt. There is no quick way to say, ‘Bismillah ir rahman irahim, Allah ho Akbar’. So there I was, Asif had walked in as near to the pillar possible, I was seriously clinging on to him for dear life. I say this because, people were shoving and pushing, jumping and elbowing, shouting and screaming, meanwhile I was holding onto Asif’s scarf praying for it all to be over. Upon Asif’s command I reached up, stretched out, said, ‘ Bismillah ir rahman nirahim, Allah ho Akbar’ and then threw the pebble with all my strength in the direction of the pillar. My pebble must have travelled over 3 heads before landing on the fourth! Asif turned around and said amuslingly ‘We better try and get in a bit closer!! We moved in a bit closer, I began to throw my pebbles and this time, I threw them with a lot more effort and enthusiam. As soon as Asif and I had thrown our pebbles he said, ‘Right let’s get out of here!’. We ducked our heads inorder not to be hit by flying pebbles and pushed our way through all the pilgrims. I breathed a sigh of relief when we finally reached open ground, but I was also pumped with adrenline and ready to throw more pebbles. I guess I was only feeling that way as I had survived the initial throwing.
We met up with Shahid and together started walking toward Makkah. The plan was to take a bus or cab as soon as we laid eyes on one. Still walking amongst thousands of people in what was becoming very hot weather we walked past food suppliers that were practically throwing food at the passing pilgrims. The first set of suppliers were throwing cartons of yogurt. Asif managed to grab 3 cartons. I couldn’t stomach mine so I gave mine to Asif. I must say, Asif has a very strong appetite, he can eat nearly anything that comes his way. We were walking infront of a man carrying his 3 year old child. The toddler was staring at Asif, so Asif offered him his yogurt, and he took it. A van had appeared with mountains of food, Asif and Shahid went to grab hold off a box or two as it was clearly no place for a lady. Men were huddled together and each time a supplier threw a box there was a mad rush to grab a box. I stayed well clear and let the men deal with it, as long as they came back with food I was quite happy to stay clear.
They returned to me with 4 boxes, also Shahid was very angry as in the rush to grab boxes a man had grabbed hold of and pulled off Shahid’s bum bag without him releasing it and was about to run off. Luckily, Shahid felt for his bag, which contained practically all the money he had brought with him, he realised very quickly what had happened and luckily caught the boy before he disappeared in the sea of people. So as you can imagine, Shahid was very…unhappy I should say!
We walked for a bit before we sat down to indulge in our food. I was embarrassed that we had 4 boxes, each box contained goodies such as croissants, biscuits, three different kind of juices and a whole lot more. The box was the size of a kiddies shoe box. Asif and I agreed to give away two boxes one to a passer-by and I was adamant to give one to a poor child upon my return to Makkah.
We were then on the move to Makkah, we walked some distance, all the while looking for a taxi or bus to take us the rest of the way to Makkah, we finally managed to flag a car down that offered reasonable rates. But alas, once we sat in this car, firstly the driver was extrememly rude and kept demanding money up front secondly he was refusing to take us all the way to our destination. We were adamant to where we wanted to go and he was adamant not wanting to take us, so after 5 minutes of driving he told us to get out. We did, happy that we were at least in Makkah. Shahid cracked a joke saying, if we keep getting into taxi’s and dilberately create a fuss we should end up nearer to our destination. Anyway, we stepped out of the car and walked the rest of the way to our hotel.
To our dismay the hotel was closed. Apparently, because all their guests were performing hajj, they decided to close the hotel and perform hajj themselves also. So we panicked and laughed a bit but on a serious note, we were tired and feeling dirty. We had to have a bath, change our clothes and Asif and Shahid had to get their heads shaved as word was out that the qurbani (lamb sacrifice ritual) had been performed. Luckily for us the camera crew of channel four came in handy. We called up Kashif (lead in charge), who agreed to borrow us his hotel room so that we could all freshen up.
So we proceeded to walk to Kashif’s hotel, this took a further 60 minutes of which 30 minutes was spent buying Shahid a whole new outfit as he had brought no clothes with him.
Once I had freshened up I made my way back to Masjid Al Harram to meet up with Asif and Shahid. They had freshened up before me and had gone to do Zuhr namaz at the mosque, I prayed Zuhr in the hotel. We made our way to the mosque to perform Tawaf. The place was swarming with people. We managed to make our way to the Kaa’ba. Once there, although it was packed with hundreds of people, there was still a bit of space on the Kaa’ba floor itself to do tawaf. We slowly joined the other pilgrims and began walking along side them. Literally a minute later we were slowly but tightly being pushed so much so that it was beginning to become quite suffocating. Ahead of us was the starting point for tawaf, but because this starting point entails one to stop on a line, raise there hands and say, ‘;Bismillah ho Allah ho Akbar’. Although this stopping only takes a few seconds for each individual, it was creating a domino effect on all the pilgrims who had just joined the tawaf, together with the pilgrims who had just finished a circlation and were waiting to do the next one. We moved inch by inch forward, we were like a packed can of sardines on the move. I could feel mens body parts pressed tightly against me, I felt very embarrassed even if the man behind me had no bad intention I was subconsciously feeling ashamed and wanted to get out of there. I beckoned to Asif to leave, I didn’t need to, he too agreed that it was too packed to perform Tawaf on the ground floor. We squeezed out of the crowd and made our way to the second floor where we prayed there would be some leg room.
But alas we could hardly get up the first step. The whole mosque was jammed pack with pilgrims swarming, everywhere I looked there was hundreds of pilgrims. It was quite a scene one that I was proud to be part of.
Asif decided to go back to the hotel (our hotel manager promised that he would be back by Asr namaz) and rest and then come back to the masjid inorder to finish of the Tawaf and Sa’e.
Once we were back in the hotel we literally collapsed in our beds having read Asr namaz and decided to get together intime for magrib namaz. Well, that never happened. Asif and Shahid were so tired, they slept through Magrib and were appalled that they had done so once I woke them up. I was shattered too and overslept as a consequence missing the chance to wake Asif and Shahid up intime to make a move to the mosque.
So it was then decided that we should all make Isha namaz, straight after Isha we should try and finish off the tawaf and sae.
As we were running late, by the time we got to the mosque there was no room to move downstairs so we decided to go straight to the top. Once on the top Asif suggested that we start a tawaf so that when Isha namaz starts, wherever we are in the circle we can just sit down and start praying so that when the tawaf resumes we wouldn’t need to find a comfortable place to go round as we would already be in it. Brilliant idea!
After isha namaz we resumed our tawaf. Again, it started of well but by the time we got to the start line, we became very squashed and the atmosphere was suffocating. On top of that, the wheelchair pushers kept pushing the chairs into our legs causing us excruciating pain. We managed to go round twice before we had had enough and moved to the outer circle, this was still tough but less suffocating. It took us just over an hour to complete the tawaf. We then moved on to do the Sae and rather than go back downstairs we decided to remain on the top floor where it was more open. Thankfully, the Sae was a lot more easier, there were many people but we didn’t’ get pushed or shoved so it was bit more relaxed. We finished that in 45 minutes.
By this time I was absolutely knackered, I felt as if my legs had a life of there own. I was thinking any minute now there are going to give way, I wouldn’t have been surprised if they just took off by themselves never to return. My feet had blisters and were really beginning to hurt. I remember saying to Asif, ‘ When I first arrived here, I thought, ‘This will be a piece of cake, it’s so easy’ Little did I know what was to come, today has been so far one of the hardest days of my life’. Asif started laughing and was pointing out that our hardest day is the best day for all muslims around the world, because this is the day they celebrate Eid while we are working hard. I was thankful that Sae was over, all we had to do now was walk back to the hotel and then catch a bus to Mina. How hard was that going to be?
We managed to grab something to eat and do a bit of shopping before walking down to the main road to catch a taxi or bus back. Many taxi’s came our way but negotiating a price proved to be a chore and taxi drivers didn’t want to drive in our hotel’s direction. Asif explained that it was most probably chock a block with traffic and drivers just didn’t want to head that way. We finally managed to grab a taxi and were on our way. I nodded off and was awoken perhaps 45 minutes later as the taxi had suddenly slowed down and was moving at snails pace speed. As Asif had expected we were finally caught up in traffic, and this traffic was a serious none mover. We must have sat in that car for at least 2 hours and Mina was still some distance away. I felt sorry for the driver as he did not expect to be caught up in this much traffic. I was beginning to panic as Asif was saying that we have to be in Mina for Fajr namaz otherwise we will have to stay another night there. During hajj you have to stay in mina for a maximum 3 nights, if you don’t then you have to stay an extra night there. So I was desperate to get to Mina, so as you can imagine when Asif said we should walk, I readily agreed. Little did I know how far we’d be walking.
We left the taxi and began our walk, unsurprisingly other people had also abandoned there mode of transport and had started walking. I was glad I had agreed to walk, we must have walked half a mile before noticing that the traffic jam we were stuck in was not going to be moving for sometime this was because police had put up a barrier so that the traffic WAS at a standstill! Again, I felt very sorry for our taxi driver especially because Asif knew how busy it would be despite that we lured the driver into taking us to Mina. Anyway, by this time I was in a mind of my own, I felt as if I was subconsciously walking and I wasn’t’ focused at all. We must have walked a few miles before we spotted the signs for Mina, the time now was around 03.00ish so I began to be less worried as fajr namaz was at around 05.30.Once we made it to mina I began to relax but my ordeal was not over yet.
I desperately wanted to stop and take rest , but asif wanted to keep on going. We stopped for some juice but that was it, we continued walking. We had reached Mina, asif wanted to get as near to our tent as possible, so we kept on walking. My feet were killing me. On the way we passed many other tents, the notable one was the Pakistani one. It had a huge flag outside it’s main entrance. I was impressed. Again we walked, mile after mile after mile, my hands and feet had swollen up and I was becoming very thirsty, I was very thankful that there was a breeze though. Bless Asif though, he really tried to keep my spirits up, cracking joke after joke, he is truelly my angel. As soon as he saw our campsite he became very excited and was pumped up with god knows what energy he had left in him. He began to walk faster and I had to hold on to him inorder to keep up. I too had become eager to get back to the camp as I didn’t fancy sleeping rough that night, it was either that or I was prepared to walk back 5 or 6 miles and beg to sleep in the Pakistani camp!!. We finally reached our destination, we had a quick look at a map only to discover we had walked past our very own camp by half a mile!!! But we honestly had no feeling left or strength to cuss eachother, we slowly walked the half mile back. Got back to our site, bought a cup of tea, walked back to our respective tents, I said goodbye to Asif and walked in the tent to the amazement of my fellow sisters. They had thought that I had gotten lost and were concerned for me. The time was just going past 05.30, it was time for Fajr namaz.
The realty of the days events, I had been up since 03.30 yesterday morning, had walked up to 25 miles within 24 hours with hardly any sleep, I was absolutely knackered!!!
Wednesday 12th Feb 2003
After namaz I tried to catch up on some badly needed sleep but rumours were flying round camp that someone’s husband had gone missing. Apparently, many people during the course of the day yesterday had gotten lost and had disappeared. The lady I was sleeping next to had come back to camp after throwing the stones without her husband. She was distraught. She was wondering round the camp in a world of her own, crying and silently praying to herself for his safe return. He had been missing now for nearly 15 hours. She came to me asking whether she could use my mobile to phone her son in London to inform him of the news. Unfortunately, my phone did not have roaming so I couldn’t dial out for her. I tried to console her by telling her to pray to Allah for his safe return. I didn’t think it was wise to inform her of the rumours that 30 people had died last night during the stone throwing!!!
I eventually advised her to go and have a bath and freshen up. I took her husbands passport picture and stuck it on the inside of our tent so that if in her absence he was to turn up, the ladies would know that he was to be stopped. Apparently, he had a tendency to forget things and his wife was thus worried that he may have lost his memory and walked off somewhere and if he was to come back to the tent he may not remember the faces of his brothers and sisters.
Unfortunately, someone had stolen her clothes when we were in Arafat so she had no clean clothes to change into. I felt sorry for her, everyone had changed into fresh clothes except her. Not only was she grieving for her husband but she also had no clothes to change in to. I instantly decided to give her my spare clothes. I told her to go and take a shower, change and freshen up and hopefully inshallah by the time she gets back her husband will have turned up.
So you can imagine my surprise and joy when after the lady had gone a while later her husband turned up!!! The lady was called from the showers and was absolutely ecastatic that her husband had appeared. She kept on praising me and I in turn kept on telling her to thank Allah. I was really happy that she had freshened up intime. When I look back and recall these events I keep thinking of the miracles of Allah, the knower of all things.
After this happy event, I tried to get some sleep. You know, how is it that men can sleep with just the click of two fingers. They just switch off and sleep no matter where they are. I say this as Asif can sleep anywhere anytime within a split of a second, the same goes with my husband. At around 10am, the brothers started to announce that they will leave the camps at mina for the final time straight after zuhr namaz. Today was the final day of Jamarat. So that we could walk hands free we sent our luggage to Makkah with people who were less able to throw the stones.They were going to stay behind and await the coach that would take them directly back to the hotel.
My friend and I walked down to have our last cup of tea and cake together. We discovered a new coffee place just round the corner from our tent and were gutted that we hadn’t discovered this previously as this place had excellent food and moreso, hot chocolate!! My friend and her husband left earlier then us so to avoid human traffic.
We prayed Zuhr and then prepared to leave. It was funny seeing the tent now empty as other people had already left earlier. I said my farewells to a few of the sisters and was then on the move. I had developed a blister that burst open, was very unsightingly. Asif told me to make sure we had all the stones. We slowly left the tent and joined the human traffic that was moving at a steady pace. It wasn’t too hot and there was a slight breeze. It’s truelly amazing to see a mass of people all heading in one direction. I couldn’t contemplate how all of these thousands of people were heading towards one pillar to throw pebbles. It must take some very heavy organising and controlling. Asif told me that he was in shock at the amount of people he was witnessing. He was group leader so to speak so the pressure was on him to get us through it all in one piece!
As we slowly made our way through the tunnels we couldn’t help noticing the mass of people surrounding us, there was literally no where to run and only one direction to walk in. We couldn’t even see the ground we were all walking on. We walked over left over rubbish which felt disgusting as we couldn’t see what we were walking on and because we were so compressed we couldn’t move out of the way to avoid it either. We all decided not to risk going below the bridge and therefore began to make our way towards the top. We felt that going below we would suffocate as it’s all under the bridge and less room to move. We heard sirens in the background and as we walked on Asif suddenly stopped and told us to move to the side. The sirens were getting louder and louder as I looked back I could see at least 4 ambulances with their sirens going. Perched up high on a platform to my left were army officers shouting down a mic to people to keep on moving and not to push and shove. Asif was worried that something had happened as the sirens and more and more police cars were arriving. You know when you sense danger and you stop and think a minute, well that was how the atmosphere was. After a tense 5 minute of waiting Asif decided it was clear and we decided to carry on walking. Honestly, for those few minutes you do fear for your life as if there was a stampede, where would you run??
We finally came to the small pillar. Asif had to throw a set of 21 stones, one by one as he was throwing them on behalf of the Aunty’s husband that couldn’t make it. I held on to Asif and in we went. We tried to get as close to the pillar as possible but it was a nightmare. Even though I was holding on to Asif, I was being pushed and shoved and I actually was beginning to feel suffocated, I threw my stones and then I felt I couldn’t hol d on to asif any longer. Brothers were pushing him away from me so much so that my grip was loosening, I began to panic and I could her myself saying, ‘I can’t hold on, I can’hold on!’. Finally, Asif managed to finish throwing his stones and we quickly, ducked out of the mayhem.
I was so glad that was over, I was very tearful as I honestly thought the worst!. I asked Asif as to why we needed so many stones to which he gasped, ‘We have to throw them at the last two’. Now, I was in definite shock as I hadn’t released that on the last day you throw stones at all three pillars from little to large. Just when I thought it was over, it wasn’t!!
We made our way to the middle pillar. Here again, we couldn’t get too close to the pillar fearing that we would be hit on the head or knocked over. We threw our stones and again struggled to get out. Luckily I had my brother and cousin with me, my brother protected me from the front and my cousin from behind, I felt really privaledged. As we walked away from the pillar the crowd dispersed, so we could walk freely. As we now walked to the final pillar we could see in the distance people throwing stones at the larger pillar. We braced ourselves as we went in for the final throw. We decided not to try and go too far in as there would be no easy way out if we were to do that. I remember throwing the stones from a distance, I don’t think my first stone reached the pillar that is why I suppose Asif had back up stones!!. I also remember being hit on the head by a small stone, it really hurt and I remember thinking, ‘I bet you that was a women thrower’. As I couldn’t understand how a stone could hit me when I was standing at least 7 metres away from the pillar.
It was over. We had thrown the stones and were on our way back to Makkah. We joined the crowd walking back and decided to catch a taxi. There was one last ritual to do and that was the farewell tawaf. As this was going to be my last trip to the Khana Kaabah I wanted to go back to our hotel and refresh myself before going to Allah’s house.
I was really tired and in bad need of a shower. We got to the hotel, showered and then I fell asleep. We awoke just in time for isha namaz. I got dressed in my white burka. I don’t know why, I felt an overwhelming feeling to go back to the kaaba in the same clothes I initially arrived in. We had been told by our group leader that we would be travelling to Madina by 8 or 9pm tonight so I was a bit panicky and wanted to do my tawaf in time. I also did not want to rush my last trip to the kaaba so I was a bit upset that we were being made to rush. But Asif assured me that this would not be the case and that we were to take our time.
So again for the last time, I walked that distance from my hotel to the masid al haram. I wanted to soak in as much of the atmosphere as possible. I wanted to remember the sights, people and smell of my surroundings. I felt really happy and then a bit sad at the thought of leaving. We were just in time for isha namaz. We read it outside the masjid and then began to make our way inside.
As I entered the masjid I felt a surge of love for the kaabah. During our absence it’s cloth had been changed and it now had a newer brighter black and golden enscribed cloth, as I write this I can remember it, I can see it with my eyes open! Subhan Allah is all I could say and will always say. As I walked towards the kaabah I prayed as I did the very first time I lay eyes upon it. We headed straight for the kaabah and the brown line to begin our tawaf. There were not many people i.e it wasn’t chock ablock; so we managed to circulate the kaabah on the ground floor. As we went round, I prayed and prayed and kept glancing at the kaabah wanting to remember every detail.
Once we had finished we drank some zam zam water and then we read our final nafl. Asif told me to take my time as this is the last opportunity I would get to see the kaabah. I began to read my du’a’s. I thought of everything and everyone, I mentioned all my friends and family by name and I mentioned all muslims. I prayed for all. I had tears in my eyes. Once I was satisfied that my prayers were complete we decided to leave. As I walked away, I couldn’t help glancing back and infact I turned back at least 3 times. I remember filling a cup full of zam zam, turning round for the last time, with the kaaba in front of me, I read my du’a and one final request and then slowly drank the water. I then looked away from the kaaba and promised myself I wouldn’t look again. The kaaba, I felt, was in my heart now and there it will stay insha allah, for life.
Conclusion
People say that once you’ve been on hajj, you always want to go back. To be honest, I really wanted to come home as soon as hajj was over. I really missed my children. I felt that Allah (SWT) gives you the opportunity to pray in peace and solitude when you are near his house. He gives you a chance to perform your hajj to the best of your desires.When you are on hajj, you give up living normally for a week and focus on prayers and piousness. Once hajj is over, you return to your normal day to day life. My life consists of my husband and children, they are my responsibility , if I didn’t have them then sure, I would love to stay in Makkah, always. But I have been granted this life by Allah and surely I should be living it accordingly. I feel that on hajj allah makes it easy for everyone to abide by sharia law and fulfil Islamic duties. But the true test of life is how much you will continue to do once you go back to living your normal life. The shaitaan tests us everyday and it is up to us to know wrong from right.
I felt as if, I had completed my hajj, whether it is accepted or not allah alone knows, but I also felt that having completed hajj it was time to get back to my kids and husband and continue with this short life. Hajj is a once in a life time obligation, it is not necessary to go again.
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Today, I understand why people go again and again on hajj. It’s the love they have for the kaabah that draws them back. Right now, I too am thinking that I would like to go back if not for hajj then just umra. When I shut my eyes I can see the khana kaabah. I can feel Allah’s sheer presence and power. All I want is to be in that atmosphere again amongst the muslim ummah!!!
